Jessica howard womens dresses

I’m sappy and 🍃 rn watching TikTok’s of Taylor and something I find so endearing about her is that she is not afraid to be corny and makes no effort to be a “cool girl.” I love that she dances for every artist at award shows even when no one else is and dancing is not really her strong suit. She shows her enthusiasm and excitement and never makes an effort to play it cool. She has silly lyrics in some of her songs and cringey moments and she just owns it. I’ve always appreciated that she openly loves girly things that women typically get shamed for. Shes unapologetically a lover of baking, pretty dresses, glitter, rom coms, and cats. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I’ve never felt like she’s trying to fit into that “hot cool girl” stereotype. Her music isn’t catered towards the male gaze she’s not trying to be palatable to men through her music.
People have discredited Taylor’s talent for so long because she writes “girly breakup songs” for teenagers and I’m so glad she’s finally getting widespread recognition for her talent. Of course she’s been insanely successful for years, but for a long time it was considered “cringey and bad taste” to like Taylor because people devalue anything girls like. Now finally people are acknowledging just how good she really is.

I've been obsessively thinking about this the past month, and I've realized a few things.
I really don't want to be a man, and I never have. I never wanted to be big and muscly or hairy, I've hated being places in male roles throughout my life. I never understood why but it always made me really uncomfortable. I've always been a fairly passive calm person, the stereotype of men being aggressive and taking up alot of space is about as far from me as you can get.
Ive never been comfortable around men. I find guys hard to relate or talk to, being around women is so much better. The conversations men have had around me about women and whatnot have always really grossed me out, I never felt like I belong. I can't count how many times I've said in my life "not all guys" because I resented being included in such blanket statements.
I really wish I wasn't a guy, it just seems so miserable. I can't imagine why anyone would want to be one. But I am one, and I don't know how to live with that. The idea of transitioning seems impossible to me, I can't imagine if ever look like anything but a man in a dress. I hate the way I look but there's nothing I can do about it.
It may seem silly but I'm still not 100% sure I'm trans, I mean everything I've said above probably sounds very not cis but I don't know where I want to go from here or what I want to do. I don't want to be trans, I keep thinking of it as a choice I am making one way or the other but I've never been able to rid myself of these feeling no matter how hard I tried. I... just wish I had been born a girl, that feels like I'd be so much happier.
But as of now I feel very lost, I'm scared with the current political situation with trans people and the idea of aligning myself to such a group is terrifying. I'm scared I could lose everything. Does anyone have any advice? I feel really alone right now and have no one to talk to, I just neew to know what I should do. That everything will be okay, because I don't know if it will. What would make me happy? I just want to be happy and comfortable with myself, that's a feeling I've never had. What do I do?

I’ve realized recently that I’ve spent almost 40 years thinking about romantic relationships. As a kid, I watched princess movies, as an awkward tween with terrible acne I longed for the day I could walk down a staircase in a pretty dress while “kiss me” played in the background (IYKYK). As a teen I reveled in the intermittent male attention I received and had my first relationships, kisses, and sexual experiences.
From there i unintentionally became a serial monogamist. Having relationships that lasted years (and years longer than they should). I wasn’t good at making friends until my mid 30s and female friends have been the hardest for me to make. Prob because until fairly recently I prioritized my partner above everything. I’ve lived with 2 men for 4+ years. I’ve been engaged twice.
And yet here I am single and alone.
I want to not care. I want to not just be able to be alone but to really be ok with it. But I just don’t know how to do it.
I feel like I’ve been poured into a muffin tin for almost 40 years just baking. And I don’t know how to break that shape. I don’t know what the new shape looks like.
And honestly I just miss having a partner. It feels like it shouldn’t be that hard.
I think I’m making some progress but I could really use help.
How do you stop caring about romantic relationships as a top priority in life? How do you not only become ok with being single but be happy about it?
Any advice is appreciated.
Ps: I’m not adventurous and the idea of traveling the world doesn’t appeal to me. It seems like the women that are most successful in this are travel junkies but that’s just not me. I’d especially love to heard from people that have a more low key lifestyle.

24F I seriously think I have a shopping problem. I wouldn’t call it an addiction because I know how to reign it in. My financial situation and credit are still good thank god. I save a bunch of money for months then splurge usually by thrifting and sales shopping for stuff I’ve wanted. Usually clothes, makeup, jewelry. The pandemic really started my spree.
I can’t drive and am visually impaired. I think I am shopping as a way to feel grown for once. I haven’t really been able to be an adult yet. I’ve been in school my entire life at this point. I’m unemployed too as I’m getting through school. Therefore I haven’t had many adult experiences on my own accord, unless I ask friends for favors. I don’t get out much due to lack of access to transportation and social experiences as a partially blind woman.
I always try to dress up so others will take me seriously. Those with disabilities can get infantilized, especially women. I wanted my appearance to reach some semblance of womanhood and maturity to those around me. I’d shop brands like Anne Taylor, Express, The Row, etc. Others around me are getting married, engaged, buying houses, real jobs, doing the adult stuff etc. I figured if I can’t do those things yet at least I can look the part.
I feel incredibly guilty and quite stupid about it all. I spent so much money I could have saved. Out grew some things I purchased (I donate everything). I just feel crummy that I let it get to this point.
What would you do if you were in my position? I don’t know what to do really. I mean I’m definitely going to talk to my therapist about this realization when I’m back at school. To myself I am sorry for making stupid decisions like this!🖤

24F I seriously think I have a shopping problem. I wouldn’t call it an addiction because I know how to reign it in. My financial situation and credit are still good thank god. I save a bunch of money for months then splurge usually by thrifting and sales shopping for stuff I’ve wanted. Usually clothes, makeup, jewelry. The pandemic really started my spree.
I can’t drive and am visually impaired. I think I am shopping as a way to feel grown for once. I haven’t really been able to be an adult yet. I’ve been in school my entire life at this point. I’m unemployed too as I’m getting through school. Therefore I haven’t had many adult experiences on my own accord, unless I ask friends for favors. I don’t get out much due to lack of access to transportation and social experiences as a partially blind woman.
I always try to dress up so others will take me seriously. Those with disabilities can get infantilized, especially women. I wanted my appearance to reach some semblance of womanhood and maturity to those around me. I’d shop brands like Anne Taylor, Express, The Row, etc. Others around me are getting married, engaged, buying houses, real jobs, doing the adult stuff etc. I figured if I can’t do those things yet at least I can look the part.
I feel incredibly guilty and quite stupid about it all. I spent so much money I could have saved. Out grew some things I purchased (I donate everything). I just feel crummy that I let it get to this point.
What would you do if you were in my position? I don’t know what to do really. I mean I’m definitely going to talk to my therapist about this realization when I’m back at school. Dad I am sorry for making stupid decisions like this!🖤

24F I seriously think I have a shopping problem. I wouldn’t call it an addiction because I know how to reign it in. My financial situation and credit are still good thank god. I save a bunch of money for months then splurge usually by thrifting and sales shopping for stuff I’ve wanted. Usually clothes, makeup, jewelry. The pandemic really started my spree.
I can’t drive and am visually impaired. I think I am shopping as a way to feel grown for once. I haven’t really been able to be an adult yet. I’ve been in school my entire life at this point. I’m unemployed too as I’m getting through school. Therefore I haven’t had many adult experiences on my own accord, unless I ask friends for favors. I don’t get out much due to lack of access to transportation and social experiences as a partially blind woman.
I always try to dress up so others will take me seriously. Those with disabilities can get infantilized, especially women. I wanted my appearance to reach some semblance of womanhood and maturity to those around me. I’d shop brands like Anne Taylor, Express, The Row, etc. Others around me are getting married, engaged, buying houses, real jobs, doing the adult stuff etc. I figured if I can’t do those things yet at least I can look the part.
I feel incredibly guilty and quite stupid about it all. I spent so much money I could have saved. Out grew some things I purchased (I donate everything). I just feel crummy that I let it get to this point.
What would you do if you were in my position? I don’t know what to do really. I mean I’m definitely going to talk to my therapist about this realization when I’m back at school. Dad I am sorry for making stupid decisions like this!🖤

What would happen if four families each contributed one member to create a new family? In this episode of Family Swap, Harley King walks in on her swap mom Jessica Starling as she’s getting dressed. Jessica assures Harley that she would never let her swap son, Tyler Cruise, see her naked, and Harley compliments Jessica’s boobs. Jessica asks if Harley wants to feel her boobs, which leads to Harley confessing that she wants boobs like those but she’ll never get them without getting pregnant. Jessica knows just how to get Harley some sperm."

I just had the most ick reminder of why I want to get the hell away from nparents all these years. Back in High School Sophomore year for me, my nmom was usually in charge of picking me up after school. I used to beg her, yell and scream beg her to only pick me up by herself, my nparents had a habit of making it a "family event" to get me up from school and I fcking abhorred it. I had my first panic attack in english class because it would start getting to me. They had no reason to be bringing the whole family just to get me, it's ONE errand. Ndad and brother have nothing better to do. They always used my educational life as an excuse to make it an opportunity for them to get out of the house against my will because i always need transportation. This happened as well in College. I dropped out years ago because of their shitty behaviors. Im so fucking glad im doing online school incognito.
I have a brother that is mentally disabled and stuck with my nmom as his caregiver, his mental age has remained at a 6 year olds. Less maybe. Living with him is draining. Nmom doesnt care about his hygiene, she just yells at him like hes a nuisance to put deodorant on or talks to him like she's testing an idiot.
Well she would pick me up afterschool with my ndad and that brother but i hated it because my ndad and brother would always DISGUSTINGLY stare to the point of literally drooling at the high school aged girls. I would beg my nmom to leave them at home because of that literal behavior and she would get angry at me saying "that's YOUR FAMILY" like im supposed to be happy to have everyone around. Like she would appease my ndad sick in the head ped0 obession and brother disgusting interest in school girls she would purposely drive through the parking lots slowly like a parade float letting them get their fill. Mind you my brother was physically 28+ age at the time. My ndad was around 50's. I remember always seeing my ndad and brother in the backseats just mad hard staring at HIGH SCHOOL AGED GIRLS and the poor girls were very heavily creeped out/pissed. I have no idea how i never got bullied in HS but to be fair i wasnt ever really seen or social in h.s.
I had zero way to avoid it because I lived far away enough i couldnt get to school without a ride, my friends had their issues with transport, nparents never gave me enough money to cover public transport and hardly lunch.
Thinking back, nmom still does this disgusting shit. Whenever there is a obvious visible young lady (well you know how young women we liked to dress crop tops, cute, jeans, most young women have been there) she purposely slows down the car to let everyone stare. Ive had thoughts that maybe my nmom might be in the closet and unsure of her own sexuality. Because even she slows down to stare but.. then tries to cope with the staring by spouting some judgemental criticism bs like "girls are always not home" or 'girls are too revealing these days'.

So I have noticed that He Gets Us have released a new advertisement. The context of this new wave of Reddit spam seems to frame the biggest obstacle separating us heathens from embracing Christianity is that we fail to understand Jesus' message of "love and kindness".
In other words our biggest contention with. Christianity lies with Jesus.
What many Christians fail to grasp is that many of us DON'T have a problem with Jesus per se.
Jesus ISN'T the one who isn't passing legislation that denies access to reproductive healthcare. He isn't shooting up abortion clinics or putting bounties on women.
Jesus ISN'T the one stirring up violence against the LGBTQ+ community resulting in bomb threats sent to children's hospitals.
Jesus ISN'T grifting millions from impressionable followers to fund his lavish mansions and fleet of private planes.
Jesus ISN'T paying lip service about the sanctity of life while locking immigrant children in cages.
Jesus ISN'T crying persecution while actively using his political clout to force his religious beliefs into public schools or private bedrooms.
Jesus ISN'T doing this because the guy hasn't walked the Earth in 2000 years (assuming he even existed of course,).
No.
The problem isn't that we don't get Jesus "message". Many of us grew up in the church and saw first hand how Christian leadership used the so-called message of Christ for their own personal gain, using fear as a means of control.
Others who dwelt outside the Church have felt the boot of Christianity against their throats in some way whether it be supporting white supremacy or colonial dominance. Christians whinge about persecution across the globe... despite their own missionaries being heralds of European powers seeking to plunder their resources.
As usual the problem lies with many Christians not getting the fact that many of us are simply done with the blatant hypocrisy and corruption that has plagued Christianity since it first tasted power.
They can dress Jesus and his words up however they wish and yet their actions continue to scream louder.

I wonder if this is an issue I have
Or maybe it's not socializing at work?
I do have a diagnosis for cptsd which can appear as autism or adhd. I might actually have one of those and was supposed to see a neurologist but my experience was so poor that I'm scared to visit another
(TRIGGER WARNING: he laughed about women getting assaulted)
I'm well known in my company for not talking to anyone. A manager at one of the businesses I worked at make a comment that if anyone doesn't entertain or speak to him he will send them home.
I have had experiences in the past where I was mistreated for not socializing at work.
Today, I was in a predominantly white workplace and I'm not sure if it's because I'm black or not neurotypical but I was sent home early and argued with
For one, dress code is a dress shirt and pants. I wore a long sleeve button down (so did my coworker). She lives down the street though. I don't have a car (and it was my first day bc I do temp work) and so I walked to work in a tank top.the job was at a prestigious hotel.
They weren't open yet but I had a coworker who was "showing me around" stop in front of all the important higher ups and introduce me in my tank top (she tried to joke and laugh with me later which is what everyone who picked on me at work so far has done). Of course the higher ups asked me if I had clothes to change into
(I was literally supposed to be otw to where I put my bag and can go change)
Even though my company gets 15 minute grace period, I showed up around 30 mins early to get changed and sit down (I take public transportation and need a sec to sit after walking)
I was trained before I clocked in and asked for a time adjustment so I could get paid for the time I worked before clocking in
My supervisor argued with me, pulled his higher up aside and power walked so I couldn't follow them
After, he said they'd handle it but they sent me home two hours early. Instead of 122$, I was sent home with a little over $70
I had a really bad day today and I feel like a lot of it was being taken advantage of for being "aloof" and not assuming my coworkers would be against me
I also asked a lot of questions and I felt like an annoyance to my coworkers (I couldn't remember what # the tables were and couldn't memorize the map. It was my first day and I only worked ~3hrs. I got a good handful of tables but did have to ask for help. The people who I asked for help told the supervisor.
They're tightly knit and I'm a temp worker so I do feel like they were gossiping and keeping track of how many times I needed help
Whenever I asked a simple question, my coworker said she'd "ask our supervisor (the guy who was mean to me)" and walk away but neither of them would follow up. I believe she was leaving to talk shit
I also had a coworker who is autistic and might not know that I'm not neurotypical remind me that his bathroom break isn't an actual break. It was the saddest shit ever. I'm not sure if he was reminding me for the hell of it or if someone actually took advantage of him in that way
At my first job in this area, i was laid off. I befriended my trainer who was also my neighbor. He said I was doing a good job and that dispatch said I'm doing very well for a new driver. Soon after, dispatch would be kind to me when our manager wasn't around but literally turn around and walk away when he was. And maybe a week or two later I was let go and nobody could tell me why. I loved that job
I just hate losing rent money because I'm not liked
I know how the whole work thing goes and that you have to be in on the gossip and people have to know about you to "climb the ladder"
But I go into these jobs not even intending to climb a ladder. I go in to get the money I applied to get. I stfu, take a few shots on break to loosen up, do what makes me happy on break, and i never talk about my coworkers who are so obviously discussing me with each other and thinking im too stupid to notice.
(And no I'm not making it up in my head. There were a few times where I've asked if my suspicions are true, i see it eventually and gotten a yes or they literally told me theirself)

I sometimes see a clip of a women in a black dress saying "dear ladies and gentlemen we come to the part of the program that's always my favorite because it means something " dose anyone know where this is from ? Thanks =^_=

Char- 10 (my favorite look this Reunion) Nikki- 9 ( loved her hair and the gold dress) Ashley- 9.5 (love the purple look) Lauren- 9 (loved her Hair color and her dress) Jessica- 8 ( Didn't really like the dress too much but she still looked cute) Kori- 10 (she was giving prom queen) Wilmarie- 10 (Very sexy, loved her dress) Jennifer- 9 (very pretty) Sydney- 8.5 ( loved her outfit the red/black hair kinda throws it off for me) Jade- 8.5 (didn't like the red shoes with the dress she still look good though)

I saw this post, and damn...I really wish it were that simple. If all I needed was to get my fugly ass to a 5-6 instead of a 7+, and be respected and treated with kindness and love from people, I'd have already gotten plastic surgery ages ago. But of course it isn't that simple when the average girl looks like this:
girls A, girls B, girls C
The average girl is still so beautiful. They may not look like models, but my goodness. They still look like angels sent from heaven. Of course life will be good for them. Every time I see pretty girls like this at my university, I instantly just want to give up on ever improving myself or trying to date, because what's the fucking point if that's my competition. Even dressed up in my most flattering clothes, makeup done, hair looking cute, etc, I'm still basically spat on by men and could never compare to those women. Especially seeing how guys will be drooling over them and kissing their asses, while those same guys will be absolutely disgusted by me and treat me like I'm just some nasty bug or like I committed some horrific crime. The difference in how I'm treated vs how they're treated is substantial, and it makes me just want to give up on life. They know that there are millions of girls who are 10s in their eyes like the girls linked above, so they don't even see me as a human. To them, those are what real women look like
The worst part is that the average girl looks like that (at least where i live), and average is the majority of the population. So even though being ugly is rarer, I still managed to fuck everything up and be hideous as hell. Thanks mom and dad 🫥

This is a sort of a follow up to my other post
I spent another day being myself, and I unsurprisingly loved it. I got to walk around the city alone one again, so I bought a small purse and some heels, and just went wild. I felt so feminine in my little heels and purse, but at the cost of my poor feet. Heels hurt so bad after only an hour or two. How do you gals do it. I was ready to chop of my feet after half an hour.
After about 4 good hours of being a woman I changed back into my make clothes... but then I walked into the women's section of a mall trying to cut through for a short cut. Let's just say I couldn't resist looking at the heels and beauty products, and quickly changed back into my dress.
It was a really packed mall so I had to sneak out of the men's room real quick hopefully without anyone noticing. I for sure failed lol. I walked around the mall for about another hour, and decided to just go to dinner dressed. Another box checked for my trans bingo card!
I had a great day as me and I can see myself dressing up when I get back from a vacation. I'll just have to travel a bit further away from home so that people hopefully won't recognize me. I'll wear a wig and hopefully have learned how to do some makeup. I just can't escape the urge to be free.
Even though I had a great time today, I did get some strange looks this time. One guy walking by slowed down and stared me down and looked at me from head to toe multiple times with a slightly disgusted face. But later into the night a woman with her boyfriend did see me at an arcade machine trying to win a plushie, and told me good job. So that made me feel real good about myself.

The Forgotten Family
By Vision-Quest-9054
With trembling hands, Liam gingerly lifted his father’s reading glasses off the surface of the small upstairs office desk. He knew he couldn’t keep his father, Gordon, waiting very long lest he fly into another rage. Gordon’s request was simple: retrieve the glasses within ten seconds or face the consequences. With his arms stretched out before him and both hands cupped together, holding the reading glasses, the pale-faced twelve-year-old boy descended the narrow staircase. “It’s all right,” He reassured himself. “It’s just a few steps down. I won’t fall this time.” Liam took another cautious step. And another. The musty odor of rotted wood and decay permeated the air with each creak of wood. The last five steps were in sight, giving the boy a sign of relief. The relief was short-lived when Liam’s left foot fell upon a small wet slippery patch of mildew, throwing him off balance. With a shriek, the boy painfully tumbled down the staircase and onto the main hardwood floor. Dazed and throbbing with pain from head to toe, Liam slowly raised himself up from the ground to meet his father’s furious gaze.“You careless little shit! Look what you’ve done!” Liam’s father, Gordon, pointed to the broken glasses on the dusty wooden floor. “You never take care of people’s possessions! You’re wreckless…!” “It was an accident!” Liam attempted to plead with him only to be sharply interrupted. “No, it wasn’t; there are no accidents in my home! I do not tolerate carelessness!” Gordon grabbed Liam by the ear and dragged him outside to a wooden shed in a barren corner of the backyard. “This will only hurt a little!” A smile formed across Gordon’s olive-skinned face as he tore off Liam’s shirt and seized a horsewhip before lashing out. “Please. No.” The boy pleaded in a weak sobbing voice as he hugged a nearby tree and forced his eyes shut. His cries of pain echoed to heaven as the whip tore into his bare flesh. To distract himself from the pain, he reminisced of the good past times when his mother was there to watch over him. There was also the soft, comforting nature of his sister, Marija (Maria), who was always there to console him amid physical discipline. His mother and father had been divorced for some years. Unlike many abusive fathers and husbands, Gordon was not an abuser of drugs or alcohol. Because of this, Liam had difficulty identifying the root cause of his father’s violent temper. He wasn’t sure if it was a form of mental illness or a history of intergenerational abuse. He recalled the time when Sonja, the wife, and mother of the family, was forced to leave. Liam remembered her tearful departure from their home. By their old countries’ laws, it was required for a father to retain custody of his children in any divorce proceeding. The loss of Sonja was a devastating blow to Liam’s morale. Tearfully gritting through the pain, he asked himself why these laws remained mandatory, for he did not understand the court ruling in Gordon’s favor. Why was it upholding such archaic separation policies? He longed for his mother’s touch, warmth, comfort, and protection from harm.
When the flogging was finished, Gordon put the whip in its place near the shed and glared once more at Liam. The boy fought back the tears in his eyes as his heavier middle-aged father seized him by the shoulders and pushed him against a tree. Liam winced as his lacerated skin clung to the bark. “You’re staying outside! Toughen up and stay put. That should learn ya.” With a grunt, Gordon wiped the sweat from his jet-black hair and mustache before shuffling back into their small, dilapidated home. Liam staggered forward to gather an old, dirtied shirt strewn across the tiny backyard to replace the previous one Gordon had just torn from him. Though It was one of his father’s more oversized shirts, it would have to suffice against the freezing crisp evening air. Struggling to fit himself into the dirty rag amidst the painful sting of his open back wounds clashing with the cold breeze, he shifted his woeful gaze towards his once vibrant family house. The house was practically a cottage, with only three main rooms. The tiny office space located in an upstairs loft was Gordon’s space. Beside his desk lay a small cot for him to rest upon. Liam and his sister, Marija, shared a filthy blanket on the hard floor near the main entrance. The last room was the kitchen. There was a broken outhouse behind the cottage for toiletry usage. The family had lived an impoverished lifestyle ever since Liam was born. Sonja managed to work for a minimum wage, while Gordon could not hold down a job due to his violent outbursts in the workplace. Once their mother was separated from the family, living conditions deteriorated even further. Food and clean water became ever more scarce with each passing day. Liam and Marija’s misery, including inadequate food and shelter, was compounded further by their father’s physically abusive nature. Once their mother was forced to leave, the beatings became almost routine.
“Are you okay?” Liam flinched as a familiar voice abruptly ended his thoughts. Marija’s soft gaze met with her brother’s. The ten-year-old girl’s blonde hair shifted in the breeze as her gentle blue eyes welled up in tears. “I’m not okay!” Liam choked as he, too, broke into tears. The siblings shared a sympathetic embrace until Liam broke the silence. “We have to get out of here.” “Oh no! Don’t do it!” Maria begged him frantically. “ You know what Father would do to you if you tried to do that. Last time when you tried to run away, the police caught you and brought you back here. Father was outraged! I thought he was going to kill you!” “I know,” Liam began. “But we can’t stay here forever. You must come with me! I can’t go alone.” Marija gave him a skeptical look as he continued. “We have to stay together, Marija, even if it means running away! We can’t go on living like this.” “No, I won’t do it.” She refused. “Father will really punish me. He will do the same to you.”
A foreboding memory entered Liam’s mind at that instant. Yes, he remembered it all too well. The flight from home, the missing person report filed by one of the ‘good neighbors’ to the local authorities, the manhunt, Liam’s capture, and the agonizing torment inflicted upon him by his father as a reward. As if reading his mind, Marija shuddered with fear. “Father spoke of the many punishments I would suffer too if you ran away again. Just think of what he’ll do if he catches both of us. The neighbors in our village keep watching us. They wait for us to move because they always side with father. They always hated us just like they hate Mother for leaving Father behind.” “Shit.” Liam cursed while banging his clenched fist against the dirt ground. Marija put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I guess you’re right.” He conceded. “If we ran away, the police would bring us right back.” “Let’s go gather some firewood,” Marija suggested.
The brother and sister’s crunching footsteps through the fallen leaves broke the silence of the quiet forest as they ventured several meters beyond their property. The outer layer of the forest was ripe with dead branches strewn across the forest floor. A shard of dried brittle bark was perfect for kindling. Gordan had returned outside to keep watch over the children. Perched in a rocking chair, he smiled as he struck a match against the sole of his shoes to light a cigar. With a few puffs of smoke into the dusk air, he reclined in his seat while maintaining a menacing gaze. Peering over her shoulder with bundled sticks in her arms, Maria shook her head. “Father will always watch us like a hawk. I could never run away.” The cold crisp air stung Liam’s cheeks as he gathered firewood. The sound of trees shifting and shuffling in the slow breeze juxtaposed with dark overcast clouds provoked an almost disquieting ambiance. A growing sense of dread slowly worked its way into Liam’s chest. “Why should this evening be any different from any other typical evening?” He thought to himself.
Darkness had fully set in. With a sigh, Liam looked into the fire they had built; it's radiating luminescence gave him a sense of comfort and warmth. It did not cause harm unless touched. Rather than fear or rage, the entity was known for its stoic nature against adverse conditions. To him, it was almost like a distant friend. “You and I, we are alike.” Liam struggled to divert his focus towards the flames, away from the rippling pangs of hunger in his belly, the sight of Gordan greedily finishing a cooked fish fillet, and his sister shivering in the breeze. “No food, no shelter, and no clean water for you for the rest of the night!” Growled Gordon as he approached the doorway of the cottage. Marija nervously followed him since she was allowed to sleep inside that night.
Liam shivered in the cold night air as Gordan shut the door with a bang. Starvation was nothing new to him. The small family was forced to fast from meals almost every day intermittently. Liam closed his eyes and shielded his face against the frigid air with both arms. Despite being exposed to the harsh hands of nature, he knew he would not be subjected to his father’s excoriating demeanor or his brutish chastisements in this temporary environment. Here, in the presence of nature, he could find a place of refuge. Finally drifting into a dream state, he found solace in his temporary departure from the real world. The visions he saw contained imagery of long-past memories almost forgotten, memories of his mother, Sonja’s intervention in times of distress. These visions were often interrupted by an overshadowing figure, a creature of practically enormous proportion that lacked any distinguishing features upon its form. It was initially difficult to decipher this being’s nature and purpose. The creature was truly amorphous in its appearance and was solely defined by a malevolent blackness that composed its entire form. It descended upon his parents with incredible swiftness and agility. The being enveloped Gordon, transforming his outer appearance to that of a raving madman, foaming at the mouth. His eyes changed from black to gray, then to a reddish-blue tint. Overcome with a fit of rage, he attacked Sonja with a stone and proceeded to bludgeon her to death. Liam pleaded for Gordon to stop but to no avail. The specter departed from Gordon and approached Liam with a summoning voice. “There is nothing left. Take refuge in me.” Though petrified with horror and trepidation, Liam found the tone of its voice alluring for reasons unknown. In its inhuman voice, he found purpose, however incredulous that may have seemed to him at first. Liam had witnessed this recurring nightmare since he was three years old. The increasing frequency of this dream coincided with his father’s growing cruelty over the years. He hypothesized that this nightmare was, in fact, a cruel joke played upon him by his subconscious mind, given its constant interaction with the outside world. Its poor interpretation of his adverse social environment was quite unreassuring at best.
The sharp crack of a twig caused Liam to jolt awake from his near-unconscious state. He sat upright to observe his surroundings. Squinting throw the darkness, he could make out the silhouetted figure of his sister in the moonlight. Marija rushed over to Liam and sat by his side.“I brought you some food.” She said in a soft low voice. “Where did you get it?!”Liam inquired. “I stole it from a neighbor’s house.” She explained. “Don’t ask me how I did it! Just take the food that I brought you.” Marija dropped a small sack next to Liam and hurried away. Liam unwrapped the food sack to find a loaf of bread, an apple, a baked potato, a vine of grapes, and a small slice of cake. Overcome with relief and hunger; he eagerly ate every bite. Finishing the meal, he turned on his side to feel a soft blanket beside him. “Bless you, Marija.” Liam thought with a smile while unfolding the blanket and wrapping himself in it. The overhead moonlight slowly faded behind the oncoming black clouds.
The following day, Liam awoke with a sudden jerk. Gordon was holding Liam by the arm. “Happiness and warmth all night, huh? When I gave her strict orders to stay inside, your sister brought you food and a blanket!” The older man cried out in anger. Gordon back-handed Liam across the face and dropped him. He marched into the cottage and returned with Marija, dragging her by the hair. The girl begged, pleaded, and screamed as Gordon threw her delicate form up against a tree. “Stealing?!” Gordon roared as he grabbed Maria by the wrist. “Mrs. Jacevich told me that she saw you taking food in her kitchen last night. This is what I raised? You are lying, thieving little bitch! You were told to stay inside! You will both pay the price!” Pinning Maria down to a tree stump with his elbow, Gordon snatched up a nearby rod and pointed it at Liam. “I’ll deal with you in a minute.” Gordon raised the rod and struck Marija in the face twice. He pivoted towards Liam and kicked him in the stomach, knocking him to the ground. Gordon continued striking Marija with the rod again and again as she screeched. Griping in pain, Liam supported himself with his hands and got up off the ground. “Stop!” He shouted, running towards Gordon. With a quick fist swing, Gordon struck Liam hard in the jaw. The boy lost his balance and collapsed to the ground again. Still determined, Liam charged forward a second time. Gordon swung the rod, knocking Liam off his feet a third time. Blood trickled down Liam’s face as he staggered to his feet, his wounds throbbing. The excruciating sensation of burning pins and knives coursed through his body. Through the pain and disorientation, Liam could vaguely make out a terrifying manifestation; Gordon’s pupils’ color began to alter into gray, black, blue-tinted red, and a plethora of illusory shades and tones he had never seen before. No. It wasn’t real. The disorientation was causing him to visualize images that were not there…
Gordon stood tall and began laughing like a madman. “The price for your crime will be paid in full. God damn you both!” Liam stared in horror as Gordon tossed aside the rod and drew out a long sharp knife. Raising it above his head, he trained it upon Marija’s throat. “Never again will you burden me and the people of our society. You are not my flesh. You are worthless! To hell with you both.” This couldn’t be his father. For the first time in his life, this man was threatening murder. Whatever was happening, it had to be stopped. A whistle in the wind and a whispering command inexplicably restored a vital amount of physical energy to Liam’s body. Up! Save her life. Extirpate the threat. The transcendental experience lasted for but a second. Channeling his hatred alongside this newfound energy into strength, Liam made one last desperate charge forward. Gordon’s mouth dropped as Liam managed to catch him off guard. Slamming into his thighs, Liam pushed Gordon off balance into a backward summersault down a small knoll leading into a neighbor’s yard. Recovering for a minute, Gordon partially rose to his knees before coughing up a mouthful of blood and collapsing to the ground. Liam staggered backward in shock at what he had just seen. The long knife’s handle jutted upwards as the red blade remained buried in Gordon’s chest. The last expression on Gordon’s face was one of horror and disbelief as the life slipped out of his eyes.
Liam climbed up the hill to meet Marija as she sat on a tree stump, crying hysterically. “It’s okay,” He said reassuringly. “It’s all over.” Liam held her in a total embrace before stealing one final glance over the hillside. Mrs. Jacevich emerged from her house to see her next-door neighbor’s lifeless body. She puckered up her lips and screamed before turning her frantic gaze towards Marija and Liam. “Help! Help! Murderers! Murderers!” The women cried out and pointed in their direction. Within seconds, neighbors were rushing to the scene. “Let’s get out of here!” Liam snapped. Hand in hand, the siblings hastily fled into the woods.
“Let’s rest first.” Suggested Marija. Knowing that they had been traveling by foot for hours, Liam nodded in agreement as he sat down on a nearby rock. “All right.” The two sat quietly for a moment watching the birds sing in the conifer trees. “Why did Mrs. Jacevich accuse us of murdering father?” Said Marija taking a breath. “You know that Mrs. Jacevich is father’s biggest ally, right? They might have been having an affair. It’s her word against ours. We won’t stand a chance. Our country has no fair laws.” Answered Liam. Hello. I’m here. Follow my voice. A message softly whispered through Liam’s mind. “Did you hear that?” Marija nodded in surprise. “Yes, I heard it too.” Keep moving forward and go left. A bit unnerved, Marija anxiously glanced at her brother. “Liam, I don’t think we should follow it.” “Wait.” He interrupted her. Listening attentively, Liam experienced a euphoric sensation manifesting in his mind and heart. “It’s telepathy. And I think it might have been the voice that helped me stop Dad from killing you!” “What?! No, Liam! This isn’t right!” Marija seized his arm in a panicked act of protest. Her brother gently but firmly took hold of her hand to lead the way. “Marijah. Please. You need to trust me on this. Would I ever lie to you?” Marija shook her head reluctantly as she followed her brother’s lead. You’re almost there. After circumventing a cluster of shrubs and spruce trees, they came upon a clearing. Before them was a vast hillside complete with a paved road and five medium-sized houses interspersed along the roadside. Dirt pathways interloped between each house and the main throughway. The two looked on in sheer astonishment at such a scene. “I’ve never seen a paved road before,” Liam commented. The telepathic voice continued its instructions a second later—the fifth house along the road. You will find me there…
A sizeable white home with a single gable and double-paned window rested atop the roof, which loomed over the approaching children. The yard was small but adequately spaced for a vegetable garden. The front porch railing was a contrasted yellow meringue. A thin, familiar blonde-haired woman smiled at them from the front porch. “Mom!” They both exclaimed in unison. Marija and Liam hurried into Sonja’s outstretched arms. “Is it really you? How is it possible? How did you reach us?” Liam was rambling excitedly. Sonja smiled again as Marija buried her face into her mother’s long wool dress. “You will find out soon enough. In time, you will know. I am just so overjoyed to see the two of you for the first time in years. You’ve both grown up so fast.” Between tears and laughter, mother and children continued their embrace. Sonja’s face fell saddened at seeing gashes and scratches on Liam and Marija’s faces. “My God, what has Gordon done to you? Both of you come in.” Sonja ushered them both into the Fourier. “I need to give you both medical attention and food. Ladies first.” She took Marija by the hand and led her into a small bathroom. From the corner of his eye, Liam noticed the same grey-blueish-red tint that he thought he saw in Gordon’s eyes. Another sign caught his eyes: a small trail of black soot leading into the main bedroom. The smell of mildew emanated across the halls. Liam shook his head in disbelief. “This can’t be right,” He thought to himself. Smelling mildew, mold, and rotting wood in a poorly maintained house was typical. However, this home’s interior showed no signs of deteriorating organic matter.
Sonja and Marija stumbled out of the bathroom slowly and methodically. Though Marija’s wounds had mysteriously vanished, her eyes were notably different. Her once vibrant blue eyes appeared to have an absence of color. Everything about her seemed different. Her pupils had faded from blue to gray and now dark black. Sonja’s eyes mimicked a similar pattern. She smiled and beckoned for Liam to come forward. “It’s time we have a look at those scrapes and bruises on you.” Liam took a step back. “Who are you?” Sonja tilted her head slightly and responded in a calm tone. “Liam, it’s mom. I’m here to help you. Are you all right?” He took another defiant step back. “No! I can see right through you just like I started to with Dad. Who are you?” Silence ensued as Sonja’s smile quickly faded into a disquieted expression. “Your eyes are different. Her eyes are different. Who the hell are you? What have you done to Marija?” Liam demanded once more. At this, Sonja’s tone shifted to a firmer one. “So now you see who I am. Unfortunate.” “Where’s my real mom?” Liam shouted. Sonja tilted her head once more. “She once lived here. She inherited the house from your dead aunt. But I have claimed her mind as my own. She and I are one, just as your sister shall be.” With a swift stroke of its hand, the being impersonating Sonja drove an incorporeal blackened hand through Marija’s head. A brilliant flash of light was immediately followed by Marija’s lifeless body crumpling to the floor, her eyes now pure white and devoid of color or pupils. Liam cried out in disbelief. “This can’t be real! You tricked us. It was a trap! You stole my mother and sister’s minds. You destroyed who they were!” “No.” The entity began. “They were absorbed. Did I not save you both from a tortuous existence? I cannot absorb you if you are deceased. Your mind must be whole when I consume it. The world will seek you out. It will destroy you. I provide refuge from the world.” Liam backed himself to the entrance door. “No,” He objected. “You must have been the cause of father’s madness. It all makes sense now. Maybe you were the affliction, the sickness. You destroyed my family.” “Your presumption is correct.” The being interjected. “However, your parents invited me in. They made a covenant so that their lives would see improvement. Every time they relinquished an ounce of willpower, I became stronger. The world offers you no hope. The void is your refuge.”
Within seconds, Sonja’s human form disintegrated into ashen soot and mildew. A dark, amorphous mass emerged from her place. Within seconds, it fully enveloped Liam’s head, torso, and legs as he struggled and kicked with every fiber of his body. Each desperate act of defiance the boy made was countered by the entity’s overwhelming vigor and might, which facilitated An intoxicating atmosphere, one that offered no respite, a blinding trajectory devoid of light, and a suffocating preternatural aroma poised to extinguish even the sanest person’s consciousness. The entity had lured his parents into a false state of comfort and hope, only for these emotional beliefs to be extirpated upon the revelation of the entity’s true nature. With his final parting thoughts, Liam wondered why so many men and women in the world could be seduced by the lies, deception, and feelings of despair that satiate this otherworldly being’s appetite, but most of all, how many more souls would unknowingly make a covenant with such an entity? Regarding those who embrace its false promises, their fate is sealed: In nihilum.

Come check out colette this Saturday, June 10th, 2023. 7:30-8:45 for our FREE open house event! Meet others in the lifestyle, take a tour of the club, AND receive a free 3 month membership - a $100 value!
Remember during the Open house there will be no play allowed, this 1 hr event will be so all attending can have extra time to mingle and flirt! Stay for Saturday's theme Little Black Dress Party.
You can purchase a ticket for the Little Black Dress Party online or when you arrive for the open house. The Meet and Greet is for single women, single men, and couples. Saturday event is for Single Women, and couples only. If you would like to stay for our Little Black dress event Saturday, you must purchase a ticket
colette Austin: 13800 Dragline Dr. Austin, Texas 78728 Phone: (512) 670-2051
colette Dallas: 10821 Composite Dr Dallas, Tx 75220 Phone: 972.323.1100
colette New Orleans: 822 Gravier Street New Orleans, LA 70112 Phone 504.588.1517

Come check out colette this Saturday, June 10th, 2023. 7:30-8:45 for our FREE open house event! Meet others in the lifestyle, take a tour of the club, AND receive a free 3 month membership - a $100 value!
Remember during the Open house there will be no play allowed, this 1 hr event will be so all attending can have extra time to mingle and flirt! Stay for Saturday's theme Little Black Dress Party.
You can purchase a ticket for the Little Black Dress Party online or when you arrive for the open house. The Meet and Greet is for single women, single men, and couples. Saturday event is for Single Women, and couples only. If you would like to stay for our Little Black dress event Saturday, you must purchase a ticket
colette Austin: 13800 Dragline Dr. Austin, Texas 78728 Phone: (512) 670-2051
colette Dallas: 10821 Composite Dr Dallas, Tx 75220 Phone: 972.323.1100
colette New Orleans: 822 Gravier Street New Orleans, LA 70112 Phone 504.588.1517

So I've been thinking for a while if I should document some of the history I had with my ex who I was with for almost 10 years. Partially to shed a light on warning signs that I was too naive to notice and also to ask advice on how others got over their experiences and deal with any problems in new relationships that bring back those feelings.
For record I did go to my GP who referred me to counseling sessions. Unfortunately those were only 12 free sessions on the NHS and the therapist I was assigned just kept referring me books to read and "homework" such as saying out loud 3 things I'm happy about in my life before bed... Often she just talked about the lack of funding from the government and such.
So I finally left my ex in 2016 ish, I was on antidepressants, occasionally beta blockers for the panic attacks and birth control, all of which made my mood go up and down like a rollercoaster. I was absolutely miserable and one day it just kind of hit me that I have to leave, it's me or this forever?
We started dating when I was 20/21 and he was 5 years older than me. We met because of an online game and he worked with my older brother. My brother gave me his in game character name incase I needed help. I started chatting to him in the game and he came to see my character, he showed me around and it started like that. I was going away for a weekend to a youth group camping event and he joked wasn't I going to ask for his number to keep talking and so I did. During the weekend I met someone my age at some of the events and had a lot of fun with, we had similar jokes and I thought he was really attractive. We added eachothers emails to keep in touch and so I texted the game friend to say I was sorry but I met a really nice person I was interested in. He instantly replied some comments about how it was just a crush, did I even know if they liked me back. Was I just going to throw away what we had for a guy I met over 3 days. I thought about it and I felt so guilty. I decided to stick with him and have minimal contact with the other via email. Years later when Facebook became a thing he did add me there and I accepted thinking nothing of it. We still didn't message or anything. One year he wrote "Happy Birthday Hope you are well!" To which my guy wrote a very rude/sarcastic response something like "she's great I'll tell her you said hi", so he deleted his post didn't message again.
When I got back from camp we arranged to meet up in person for the first time ever and we went for food/coffee the usual. I will mention that I was pre warned by my brother and wasn't really supposed to be talking to this guy outside of the game, so for the first few months of our dating we kept it hidden until I was found out resulting at an angry brother waiting at the train station for me and telling off my guy in public saying he should know better and was told to stay away from me.
I told my mum about it later that day and honestly she didn't really care, and said it's normal for my age, and so we began to date properly not hidden. This guy was my first proper boyfriend and my first everything really.
In the beginning it was fine, we had good times. I did have to deal with his ex who was trying to become my best friend and go out shopping/partying with which I thought was too strange so obviously never did. I then found out she was calling him in the middle of the night crying asking him to take her back. So he ended up telling me that they used to be Engaged and how she cheated on him and so he broke everything off. Now the first red flag, he told me for his revenge everytime she would start dating a new guy he would get in contact with her, ask how she is, act really caring and charming. He would convince her to come over and then sleep with her so that she would feel so guilty she would tell/end her relationship. She thought they would get back together but instead he laughed in her face and tell her to get lost. Apparently this happened multiple times before we met.
Over time I came to realise because of this he could be very jealous, paranoid and had a bad temper, he would throw and smash plates, punch walls. Second red flag he "accidentally" locked me in his house while he went to work one day. I didn't really have anything to do or eat. In the past he did joke with me that if it was allowed he would lock me in his house and never let me leave. I never was sure if this was some sort of joke or a genuine accident.
His ex lived in the countryside and enjoyed the thrill of outdoor sex because no one was really around. Because of that he also enjoyed it. And so when we started getting a bit more serious he would force that on me. Once he met me early in the morning before I had work, it was a nice walk but then he got very handsy. It was ok as we were behind a lot of trees, but then he brought me to a bench and got me to sit on his lap with his hands down my trousers/pants, all while people were passing by. I kept my eyes closed the entire time and thought for sure someone would tell us off. A few times he would touch me on busy trains/buses, we went to an abandoned warehouse and a house. Sometimes there were kids hanging around spray painting or breaking things. In the house he told me to give him a blow job, I tried to laugh it off and say no thinking he must be joking. Instantly this made him angry, he didn't talk to me for a few minutes and then started to tell me things like "a good girlfriend would do this for her boyfriend" and so I ended up absolutely sobbing but doing what he wanted. A different time in the warehouse he wanted to do anal, and again I said I didn't want to, and again the guilt tripping and saying he would be really quick and no one would see, and feeling guilted I gave in. He finished inside and we left. I didn't realise till I had a shower later that day that because of being outside and not having access to lube I was very tender and sore in the area. This basically went on, and sometimes I would lie and say that I really needed to pee just to get out of having sex in public. Even at home he would often pressure me to doing things I didn't like, I have a bad gag reflex so honestly didn't enjoy going down on him, plus often I didn't like his smell or taste. If I asked him to wash it he got very angry at me and would say how it loses sensitivity and doesn't feel as good. Over time he withdrew going down on me because I wasn't "being a good girlfriend" and honestly I didn't mind.
Around 4 years or so into the relationship I made a new friend in work and she invited us to her birthday in a room booked in a night club. It was supposed to be couples and masquerade themed. My guy didn't want to go with me because it seemed boring and he had no interest in meeting my friends. He went out of his way to arrange our gay friend to go with me so I wouldn't be alone and would have a guy with me. On the night of the party the friend came over while I was getting ready and we had some drinks, my ex then changed his mind and decided to come. This wouldn't be a problem but he also said it was ok that his scummy brother comes along (that's another story) he had promised me that the brother wouldn't be in the booked room and he would stay downstairs in the main club with him. But in they came. I was annoyed because his brother was being really inappropriate with my friend, saying he would take her in the bathroom and show her a good time. He was taking photo's up girls dresses/skirts and asking for girls numbers everywhere (he had a gf and I was also warned by my ex not to be alone with him) my guy ended up not speaking to me for the night because I was annoyed that he wouldn't remove him. When we got back to his house he wouldn't let me go home and told me to shut up and go to bed. I sat on the bed sobbing that I just wanted to go home and he laughed and laughed in my face pointing at me. When I tried to leave he lifted me by my coat, breaking the buttons and my necklace and threw me against the wall. In anger I lifted a photo frame of us and smashed him over the head, in retaliation he punched the wardrobe right beside my head and broke his little finger, I ran out of the apartment. I sat on the curb outside crying because I didn't know how to get home. After maybe half an hour he came out and took me back inside. He told me to please go to sleep and just leave in the morning. After that event we broke up for maybe 5/6 months. I started to feel lonely and stupidly started talking to him again.
After this we moved in together. We rented a house where he was originally from but was much further for me. It resulted in me having to get a train and bus to work everyday or come home. His reasoning was there were no houses for rent where I lived. At this time I worked a pretty crap sales job, I made minimum wage and only worked 16 hours a week. So giving half of my money to him to cover rent/food etc and buying my train and bus ticket left me with £10 a week to my name. I was further away from my friends (who he didn't like me spending time with, they were bad influences) I had a male friend that I grew up with and I viewed him like a brother. He told me I had to cut contact with him as I wouldn't like it if the role was reversed (even though he had several close female friends) he spent his time trying to get me to be friends with his friends, and I didn't get them, they were all older and we had nothing in common. Once he asked one girl to spend the day with me shopping or just anything because I had no friend's. I was so embarrassed when he told me. The fact I couldn't go see my actual friends when I wanted and was alone already made me feel sensitive. It also didn't help that early in our relationship he told me he had only ever slept with his ex before me, I then found out he had actually slept with a few of these other female friends for various reasons. One had a fight with her bf and got into his bed wanting a hug and crying which apparently escalated. One apparently climbed ontop of him while he was sleeping when his house mate had a house party etc. One was single at the same time as he was and they thought why not see. That's what I was told anyway.
The town where he lived was dying and had very little going for it. Apart from the nice scenery walking my dog I had nothing to do. With this going on I began to fall into a slump. I worked, came home and slept. He began getting irritated if was sitting/sleeping on the sofa after work as his pc was in the living room and he said he felt like I was always watching him. I made the small room upstairs into my own little space with my computer to play games on and sometimes he would sneak really quietly into the room to try and see if/who I was talking to online. I ended up going to my GP to talk to someone and that turned to my first experience of antidepressants and beta blockers for my panic attacks. This cut down my sex drive immensely, and he would often argue that I "just lay there" or wouldn't do anything for him. I was applying for jobs with no luck. I went to speak to an advisor and they actually said "have you ever considered getting pregnant?" I ended up taking 2 weeks holiday in my job so I could adjust to the pills as I was feeling ill. I temporarily moved back home to learn to drive as maybe that would help me. I ended up getting a new job in a kitchen in the city centre, meaning I was getting my first full time job and would only have to get a train now. My ex told me to stop the driving lessons as I no longer needed them, and just move back as I had money now. And I did.
In my previous job all women worked in the store. In this new job it was a lot more mixed, I was the only female chef but I got a long with mostly everyone. I met my best friend here and we were in a small friend group of 4, our manager jokingly named us the breakfast club because we were all so different. My female best friend, our gay friend and a Romanian guy who was still learning English. We became really inseparable and would often plan day trips, cinema, dinner's and nights out. We had a group chat and constantly talked and sent memes. I felt happy having friends again. Over time my guy became extremely paranoid, he didn't want me working or spending time around other guys. He told me men are like hungry wolves and you can't trust them, and how he had worked in McDonald's when he was young and everyone slept with everyone etc. I finally had money and friends and he wanted me to quit. I loved the job and the people and often if anyone had to go home sick/hurt I always offered to stay to close. This also didn't help with the paranoia. It got to a point that I had to send him my new work schedule every week and had to have a "good reason" for doing overtime.
As time went on he started to accuse me of cheating on him. If I went out with my friends or even to visit my parents he would tell me (if you're fucking anyone tonight then don't bother coming home). This got more and more frequent and he began smoking and drinking a lot more. Often I would come home from work late at night and instantly be yelled at. There was another incident where he punched the wall again re breaking the finger, he couldn't play guitar anymore and said it was my fault. At this point he was roughly 31 in our relationship and began a friendship with a work colleague who was 18. I never met her once, and he would often go on nights out with her and her friends. The few times I woke up in the night and he wasn't home I rang him panicked thinking is he ok. He would answer "what?" When he came home that would be another argument that he's a grown ass man and can look after himself and I shouldn't be worried about his safety. This continued and some nights I began sleeping on the sofa because I couldn't stand the smell of the smoke and I was afraid to be yelled at while he was drunk. He came home once with every button on his shirt broken that I bought him for a birthday and said a guy did it for a joke and leave it at that. One night he blew up at me resulting in me having a panic attack and I actually felt like I would die. I couldn't breath and my face started to change colour. When he noticed he finally stopped yelling and started slapping my back and squeezing me. I sat on the floor and sobbed and said I was going back home. We didn't talk again properly for about a month, and then he sent a message saying he needed to talk/apologize. I went back to listen to what he had to say and somehow by the end he was saying he loved me and I need to come home. I didn't get a word in before it turned to him taking off my clothes to have "make up sex" and before I knew it I was back. We planned a holiday away for a week, to reconnect and try and have some dates again. It was mostly really great. We did have a minor argument because he was actively telling me how hot this very young looking Spanish girl was, and during one of the days he made me have sex by the glass doors leading out to the pool at our apartment. But when we returned home it was just as aweful. In our time together I learned he hated having his photo taken and put on social media. So I only took 3/4 photos, a few nice ones of him standing looking out at the beach etc. But that was suddenly an issue that I hadn't plastered his holiday pictures all over my Facebook etc. We went straight back to the old routine, being accused of cheating.
At this point we'd been together a long time. Constantly family members asking when we would marry and all my friends starting families. Maybe it was the fear of missing out but suddenly I wanted the same. I spoke to him about marriage and he was very clear it's something he doesn't ever want (you don't need a piece of paper with permission to be with someone) one night I got home from work and he had hand written and framed his own wedding certificate saying Mr and Mrs such and such and said "there you go!". The talk of a baby was also quickly shut down with the reason being "if you have a kid then you always have to be a part of that person's life if it doesn't work out".
At this point I don't even think it was entirely the antidepressants. I didn't even want to touch him. He made me uncomfortable, always walking on eggshells. He stank of cigarettes and beer. I constantly had to clean the house. Around his desk there would be piles of beer tins and used tissues... We were eating take out everyday apart from my 2 days off work. I started putting on weight and he was wanting more money towards rent and food etc. He was still going out with 18/19 year old girls to parties etc. This went on for another 5 months until one day it hit me that "this is it" and if I don't leave something bad will happen . My friend group at work generally noticed I wasn't ok. My best friend started to tell me that I'm being gas lit among other things. And that I needed out, and finally I was able to tell him it was over. We cried a lot and parted ways. It was hard because I had to go back to gather my stuff in multiple taxis or a van. Sometimes I needed his help as I had given the key back or items were heavy. On one occasion he asked how I was and then touched my belly saying I had lost a lot of weight...His eyes started watering and he went to the garden to smoke. About 20 minutes after this as I was gathering my stuff the younger work colleague came by (apparently they had plans to order pizza and watch a movie) this is also the first time I ever saw her and didn't even get a hello or anything, I guess it was an awkward first meeting.
He didn't tell his family I left him. Some months later his brother saw me at a club with my work friends and text him along the lines of he'd finally caught me cheating. He then told the family and his mother was apparently very disappointed. I doubt they know how everything went though. He did also message me to tell me this and asked me to tell him truthfully had I cheated/had I slept with any of the work guys since breaking up..
He moved to live in another country. Sold all of his items on gumtree etc, including some of mine. I had a large gas BBQ that my mum gifted for our house, when I asked for it back he tried to say I already had it, then said it must have been stolen.
He also messaged me a year afterwards trying to say he had made a huge mistake and would I be willing to move in and try again... Of course I said no. Again in 2020 ish he messaged saying he had a weird request. He wanted to become friends again as apparently no one knew him like I and he stupidly pushed me, his best friend away. He didn't want me to remain angry at how he treated me etc. Again I declined saying I don't know if that would ever be something I would feel comfortable with and also that I'm dating someone and that's not fair on him.
I haven't had any contact since then.
I'll never truly know but I honestly feel like he cheated on me because of how hellbent he was that I was doing so to him. The whole thing has left me with some bad trust issues. I don't want to be the paranoid girlfriend not allowing partners to go out or have female friends etc.
Apologies for the lengthy post and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read. I do feel like I've forgotten some things, or a bit too personal for here and I feel like this is so long already!